It's 2016, if I go out on a date – I will offer to at the least, split the bill.
And no I am not at all implying that there will or will not be another date – the question of a second date is out of the question. But I work, so does he. We are meeting to see if there is a connection or not. The cost of living is high, and who knows, if the date didn’t work out, I wouldn’t feel bad that he paid for everything.
I don’t know about others, but for me it’s about my self-respect. It’s also called playing fair.
Yes, if he met me and wanted to go out on a dinner date, it’s obvious that he invited me and he will pay – because he is doing it out of his own goodwill and interest. I will however, suggest that the next time it will be my shout. If we are going to spend a bit more time together, after the dinner, I will buy us drinks.
Ladies, Women, Girls – When you offer to pay for a drink or split the bill, and he takes on the offer, it’s not that he doesn’t want to pay, but have you ever thought for a moment that he probably is confused or doesn’t want to offend you, mainly because he has not a clue why you offered to pay – maybe he thinks you are a girl of 2016 and not 1955. He is most likely confused. In all honesty, if I offered to pay for the second round of drinks, and he said no, I would insist - and it will be a genuine offer.
We women are strange creatures, on one hand we have fought for our right to vote, we share the same profession and earn as much as men, yet when it comes to dating – we expect to be treated like Marilyn Monroe – but don’t forget you are not Marilyn Monroe and he is no Kennedy. I am generally talking about women my age (40 plus) A study conducted by a UK university (St Andrews University.) suggested that a woman expects a good-looking man to pay for her, perhaps as a way of making him invest in their future. The researcher said: ‘When the woman lets the man pay for her, she is basically saying she’d like a second date.’
My question on this is – Why the double standards?
My dear Men if her opinion/belief is that 'you are the gentleman, and you are supposed to pay' then she is supposed to have sex with you whenever you say, and if she says no - then ask her why the double standards? She can sulk about it to you, that you have to pay for her time on a date? She is basically saying that the relationship isn’t equal.
Excuse me, she is so yesterday! This is 2016, you are a man, if she didn’t offer to pay, you shouldn’t date her. And I back it up with data a 2016 poll by UK Mirror (Mind you UK - talking about class here) The question was "Should a man always be expected to pay on a date?" 19% said yes and staggering 81% said No.
Here we are - The Women - the inspiring #HeForShe movement (by UN ambassador, Emma Watson) couple of years ago that drew attention to the stereotypes associated with being a girl. Then in the dating space, there are gender stereotyping - it amuses me just how differently men and women behave in the courtship space. Everything from how often we like someone to what we say is important to us (versus what actually IS important to us) to the place and food that we choose. Why cant we, at our age be ourselves?
We consider a male to be unsuitable until he picks up the bill, if he doesn't, then he is put in a disadvantaged position.
I find that the poor guy is then obliged in this kind of pay-to-play system. I call this the "unequal gender stereotyping". I personally will insist to pay or split the bill or pick up the drinks bill because I don't want to think that I owe him anything. I would be slightly reticent in saying this, however, where credit is due, it must be acknowledged - I admire men - they very graciously articulate their point of having 'no exceptions or obligations' and we women, deliberately and firmly confess the same, however undemonstratively. We expect and expect and expect until we die, or worse until he dies, but before that, we put men in a position where they are obliged to do things for us. Then we complain that "he was so rude, I offered to pay for the drinks and he let me" What the? Seriously.... why did you offer in the first place, you pretentious, little piece of ungrateful, confused woman ?
I have spoken to a lot of male friends and colleagues and at times this conversation has erupted in cries of heated opposition and support. My male friends do have a point when they say that "It's not fair that they are expected to pay". I recall a conversation where a male colleague referred to some women he dated as the "Pretend Reachers". They will what he said was the the pretend to reach towards their purse. “They will indicate that they are reaching for their purse and I will say something like ‘Its okay, I’ll pay, don’t worry about it’," he said with a mocking smile. I tend to look deeper into this, anything to do with fake-ness will not last. I come to the reiteration that a person on a date just has to be themselves. there is no need to pretend to do anything, if you want to pay, you will, but don't pretend to reach for your purse. It doesn't make you look good. It is worse than the majority of women that will not give any indication whatsoever that they want to or are willing to split the bill.
It's not 1955, let's move on to today where feminism is constantly discussed and a bit of an overkill. Single, independent women memes are overflowing on social media and the independent, strong woman is worn like a badge of honour.
I am not an expert; however, I think the dating space has drastically changed with the emergence of dating sites like Tinder and the likes. A woman and a man, can easily score a date each night, or each Friday and Saturday night with different people. A male employee of mine once said to me that for some Tinder women, a date was more a free dinner at a nice restaurant for them. I felt ashamed at myself – I felt a little insulted – being a woman. Once again it’s about self-respect. A man will never have a chance to to say anything like that about me.
Expecting men to pay for everything is a contradiction to the Ms. Strong & Independent notion. For those women, who say, "he is cheap", mind you, so are you Girlfriend. You didn't ask him to pay so I am sure he didn't feel required to pay. Whoever asks for a date to happen shouldn’t be expected to be a sponsor. Remember, it is a first date, they are getting to know you - if they are to impress, so do you. It is all about sophistication and class, expecting him to pay is cheap and so yesterday. The deal-breaker should be each other's personality, and not who reaches for the purse - because he will - and that will show his class.
At the same time, if I am out on a date with a man, who asked me out and paid for dinner and if things went well and we liked each other's company, I would be happy to pay for the second round of drinks or desert (not that kind of dessert – you dirty minded human being). He may insist on paying – but that could be out of obligation or not – I don’t know, however in all fairness to a beautiful date – I would casually walk to the bar – tap and pay and feel all good about myself and my hot date! That's just me - I am wired differently.
- Matthew Hussey - YouTube Channel, http://www.matthewhussey.com/ (Matthew Husseyis a British television personality, human dynamics coach, and New York Times Bestselling author. He was a matchmaker on NBC's Ready for Love)
- UK Mirror for Statistics.